Why?

Why can people ever mind there own business? i mean if you dont know the truth dont make things up.
i live the way i want too, dont intrude. i get tired of people making things up, if you really knew me, youd know none of those rumors are EVEN CLOSE TO BEING TRUE. so DONT tell my brother you KNOW its true. and why cant you understand that im human and i cant always do whats right. im gonna screw up
and you making fun of me, wont help. calling me fremo(freak and emo put together), breaking my heart and THINKING YOU KNOW WHATS BEST ME, ISN'T HELPING.
being extra hard on me, b/c im tough and can handle it? yeah im not so tough. im broken.

I Wish.

I wish people would see behind the tears. Behind my fake smile. Behind everything!
Remember when i told you i stopped cutting?
yeah. i lied
Remember when i told you i was done with drugs?
i lied again.
AND DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU ASKED HOW I LOST WEIGHT?
AND I TOLD YOU THAT IVE BEEN RUNNING?

well... you didn't catch that lie, didja?
Ive been making myself throw up.

i just wish people would care enough to LOOK beyond everything.

I Need A Reason

My Best Friends name?
Music.
and then, LAUREN(:

Because people always find a way to break my heart. and i dont trust anyone anymore.
i dont do drugs for fun, i do them to forget. and it works , when i wake up, i remember none of my problems.
People change too much, too fast.

heartbreak.

i may not be as skinny as the other girls,
or as pretty as them
but i'll give you something they never will.
i will love you will all my heart , unconditional real love

"it's a tragedy thats so sad to see"

& Don"t worry, because you can never hate me as much as i hate myself...

Yeah, i cut myself, smoke, drink, pop pills, do pot, and attmepted suicide.
but im scared of death.

yeah ive been abused by my parents, physically and emotinally
but when the doctor tole me if i make it to 30, im lucky
i cried. is that normal?

i have to find a hiding place inside my own skin. and it scares me.
i cant be myself. not even when im alone.
because im ashamed of myself.

would it matter at all?

Its so hard for me too open up, i mean when i try i feel like people wont care. 
so i act hard, like i dont care. but inside. im breaking & i dont know no how much longer i can stand it.
i wanted to talk to you, for the firdt time, i came up to you to talk and you blew me off.
i thought we were best friends?
you were my accountibility partner.
it dosnt matter anymore, i dont matter anymore.


"if i wasn't here tomorrow 
Would anybody care
If my time was up I wanna know
You were happy I was there
If I wasn't here tomorrow 
Would anyone lose sleep
If I wasn't hard and hollow

then maybe you would miss me"

Tonight

Tonight was a horrible end to a great day. after everything we did together, my mom had to ruin it.
you couldn't even look, because it hurt so much you so much.

to tell you the truth, everytime i think of killing myself, i think of you.
i know im gonna miss our walks
and jack in the box with you.
and everything we do.

No matter how much i hate myself and my life, i love you way to much to leave you.

i love you Lauren<3
you are my best friend.

I Want To Be Beautiful Too.

i though i could be strong, but its killing me,
does anyone hear my cry?

My Testimony.

my parents fought all the time, non stop,, and i didnt know what to do, i wasnt close to my parents, so i didnt even care, much, my dad abused me, mentally and physiclly for almost all my life. and i didnt know what to do. my mom knew and i was scared to tell ... well anyone? so i cut myself. starting in 2nd or 3rd grade, adn i hid all my pain, until 6th grade. i just didnt care anymore. i slit my arm, i popped 100 pills, i hung myself but nothing worked, i jumped off a highway, nothing. so finally i decided i was going to shoot myself, but i couldnt.
every day i would come home from school and be scared to be hit, or made fun of by my mom dad or brother, so i started smokeing weed. i forgot things, but not enough things so i started drinking to help forget more. and i became the thing, i promise myself i would never do, i broke my own heart and have been for the last few years.



I lost all my sence of respect and care for God, i thought he hated me and that he wanted me to die.

I stopped beliveing people Loved me.



I became a cutter. a addict to weed and drinking. and i became heartbroken.



after about a year of feeling that way, i was walking home from school and some guy... took my innocence away. he raped me.

so i decided that, that was my sign saying

GOD.HATES.YOU.MEJRA!

so i decided that night would be the end

but my brother knew something was up

he didnt let me out of his sight.



when my mom and brother found out i cut, they mocked me , and they hated me, my mom wanted to kick me out. they both stopped talking to me. my dad laughed at me when he walked into my room and saw me cutting. some of my "friends" stopped talking to me

It made me want to kill myself more.


The past few months have been struggles to get over:

Drugs

Cutting

Homosexuality

and

Porn addictions.



I fell in love with God again, it was hard, and sometimes i feel alone, but when i do i know God put people in my life, and that was him saying he did care and he would ALWAYS be there for me



My two best friends, are the people i would have never thought i would be friends with, became my friends.



The day before Project freshman, a close-ish friend killed himself, and i died inside, i told God i needed a sign he cared about me, he didnt give me one, so i cut myself horribley, and wore a jacket through almost all of project freshman(it was like 100 degees or more the whole week) i Asked God to give me a sign he still cared about me, that night the "everything" skit was played, the next morning a heard a Testimony that changed my life.

Lauren and I started talking to each other about talking to the person who gave his testimony, i didnt want to but she did, so i went with her, i ended up, getting his number and pouring my heart out to him.. He broke my heart the right way, and got through to me..

But. i dont belive in God anymore.
my friends and family are right
he's not there.

&& Babe, I'm Your Biggest Fan♥

You can't break a broken heart!

heartbreak is lying on the bathroom floor, trying your damn hardest to breathe while at the same time wondering why it all went wrong and how you're gonna get up and pretend like everything is okay, and what the hell you're gonna do about the whole in your chest.

"you broke my heart, but i still love you."
------------------------------------

yeah i'm pretty sure everyone has had their heart broken, if not, you will one day. dont worry.

But has you heart been so broken to the extent that you can feel a fucked up heart beat?
have you had a hard time breathing because you miss that person so much?
Have you broken your own heart? by hurting the people you love the most?

Have you had such a hard time keeping your self together? so hard that you didnt talk to people for a while, because you couldnt hide the pain?
I mean people actually KILL THEMSELFS over this crap, and you think making a stupid rude comment to make people laugh is alright?  what of you made a comment like "you look like a whale" and the next day that person was dead? they hung themself in their bedroom? and it was all your fault, its like commiting murder. i mean it has happend, people kill themselfs over heartbreak.

YOUR BESTFRIEND COULD KILL THEMSELFS TOMMORROW, becasue you got into a fight today, and said stuff you should'nt have.
i know i've been there.
-------------------------------------

BUT SCREAM YOUR  FUCKING HEART OUT!
live with the pain
because you never know what tommorrow may bring.
i want self esteem; not self pity(:

You Always Have A Reason To Smile♥

I never thought i was loved.

i mean, my parents tell me they hate me,

my brother tells me he hates me

people tell me they hate me.

So why in the world would i believe someone could love me,

why should i believe Lauren or Kaelen, or Tiffany or Jessica or Lilly or Bella or or Sarah or Jordan loves me?

Why should i believe GOD loves me?

it took me a long, and i mean LONG time to finally realize people love me, because, i'm actually a pretty cool person, im not a stupid emo bitch like my brother says, im not a stupid whore like my dad says and im not a waste of life, as my mom says, but im actually a pretty cool person.

God loves me because he created me and sent his son to DIE for me, and everyone else, 

Alot of people love me and care about me

and that makes me smile(:

UGH.

I spent almost a whole week at my best friends house, and it was one of the best and worst weeks of my life. I got to leave the place i hated so much, to be with the girl i love so much.
But all through out the week, she got into a fight with her boyfriend, saying "fuck him, he's a bitch"
but then turn around and said she loves him,i hated that all she did was talk about him, "hey Mason wants to come over" and "hey Mason is at southwest" and "ugh, i wish i didnt come to church, so i could see Mason"

i mean I came over, you could at least shut the fuck up about Mason for a little while, and even when i started crying, you walked away to call MASON! of course.
i mean i love her with all my heart but..... i dont even know. UGH!

Now, If Only I Could Tell Him How I REALLY Feel♥

So me and my best friend made up. at first i didn't want him back in, i pushed him out, i deleted him and almost blocked his number, but something inside me knew i would regret it in the morning, so after a long talk, starting at Summer Studies, where i completely was rude to him, then to yogolait where i couldn't face him alone, i had to use my blade before i could talk to him, so with bloody wrists i talked to him, not really anything important, it was more like starting over. then we texted, i told him about the blades and how i cut before i talked to him, how he scares me, and how i needed him to yell at me, or call me a bad name, but he wouldn't , i told him not to lie to me and tell me how he really feels. he told me " hurt me all you want, and that he loves me unconditionally and nothing would change that" even after that i ignore him and bitched at him, but i finally came to my senses, i know i cant live without talking to him, i told him to stop texting me but after like 5 or 10 minutes, i needed him to text me. i cant lie to him and it only hurts him when i tell him the truth. but if i lie to him, i will never forgive myself, i told myself i wouldn't forgive him, but i did, he broke me, in a good way(:

But i finally understood how HE feels when i cut, how he hurts, and that makes me want to change even more.

"if HE brings you to it, HE'LL bring you through it<3"

ha, now i just need to tell him the FULL truth.
LORD know's that's never gonna happen.

Best Friend♥

SO i lost my best friend today. or at least it feels like i did.i dont know what im gonna do without him
he told me he lost his trust in me and he wont have my back anymore.

you said i need to gain your trust back, and i need to figure out how to do it, its impossible, i dont know what to do. i cried my eyes out, i cussed, i broke. i let you in too deep, and it broke me. YOU BROKE ME. it hurts that  you think i dont care about you, when the truth is, i care about you more than anyone, ANYONE!
i also trust you more than anyone even Lauren sometimes;/ not anymore though and you ditching me, broke my heart, even when you fix it, its still going to be scarred.

you said im self-centered, because i cant stop cutting, because all i think about is hurting myself. well i get it, it hurts you too, i know its hard for you, but it makes it even harder for me to stop without you.
you've been my reason before dont be it again!

i CANT wait "a while" for your trust, because i cant trust you , without you trusting me :/