Confused

After everything that's happened this month...
I'm just happy that's coming to an end...
Maybe a new year will help things.

But im gonna miss Nick so much.
But he does get to spend eternity with God,
Which is way better then Earth.
But im gonna miss his smile, his laugh, our talks.
I'm just excited this year is about to be over.

It' s been a while. Eh?

Sigh, Christmas won't be the same.
I lost some good friends.
Made some shitty ones.
Fell in love.
Got my heart broken.

I want to go home.
back to Bosnia.
Where I won't have to see everyone who broke my heart.
and where i won't have to be reminded constantly of the Monster that I've become.
Who woulda thought that 2010 would bring out someone i never thought i'd become.
High School dosent change you.
It's just that you think that your gonna change, so you make yourself change.
You let boys/girls play with your hear and emotions.
than do something stupid because of them.
When i bet you would forget who they are in a few years.

Life just overall sucks at this point.
i havent smoked in well over 2 weeks.
which is a big thing for me.
i havent even had the urge to smoke.
Alcohol is just a thing that seems like a distant memory.
It seems like... nothing matters.

I had a friend tell me "ohmygosh, i just cried so much"
that's when i realized, i don't CARE enough about ANYTHING to even cry about it.
i mean, i couldnt care any less.
and that scares me.
does that mean that im back to old Mejra?
the Mejra i HATED!?
i hope not :/

Then one of my friends die?
right when im REALLY trying to be a better person?
What are you DOING TO ME GOD!?

Well, i know this was all over the place, just wanted to get all my feelings out.

That Should Be Me.

Your supposed to be one of my best friends? My cousin? I've known you for 14 years now, but you continue to mess with my emotions. You grabbed my phone and took my bestest friend number and started talking to him, then turned him against me. Then you took the guys number who i am falling for number? And you started SEXTING him right in front of me? I don;t understand? you KNOW i love him, but you want to break my heart? I've been a great friend to you, right? I mean, I've tried my best. I just want to know why?

Then did you really have to text him off my phone telling him how i feel about him? You just ruined mine and his friendship, he hasn't texted me since that night. I'm confused, i really am, Clear this up for me? Please.

Am I Just Talking To Myself?

Why do i feel so alone? I have so many "friends" who "care" about me, but i feel so alone.
I'm lying to myself, im crying out for help, i just dont seem to be able to help myself.
I feel so fake, i hate everything I've become.
I've lost the people i care most for.
I have this thing against people, i cant seem to trust them
because every single person I've trusted stabbed me in the back,
i dont even trust people when they say something like
"oh sorry, i fell asleep" i think "oh, this person just doesn't want to talk to me"
But i keep getting my heart broken,
yeah it might be your lie, but its my heart and feelings on the line.
and when you judge me, it doesn't help.

Perfect.

I cant be perfect. i cant make everyone happy., being myself is so hard.
i just want to give up, but people think im so strong...
see im trying to please people again.
I lost my faith. i lost my hope.

im just not MEJRA anymore. i pretend to be happy and NO ONE sees through it, but one person and i just push her away more and more
Even im ashamed of myself. hearing my dad and mom cal me , "fat, ugly, a whore" and other things everyday, make me start to believe it, and when they act like they love me and then break my heart again, it makes me believe in love less and less. i just dont know what to turn too, b/c i always seem to get let down, or let someone down.

im sorry i cant be perfect.

Why?

Why can people ever mind there own business? i mean if you dont know the truth dont make things up.
i live the way i want too, dont intrude. i get tired of people making things up, if you really knew me, youd know none of those rumors are EVEN CLOSE TO BEING TRUE. so DONT tell my brother you KNOW its true. and why cant you understand that im human and i cant always do whats right. im gonna screw up
and you making fun of me, wont help. calling me fremo(freak and emo put together), breaking my heart and THINKING YOU KNOW WHATS BEST ME, ISN'T HELPING.
being extra hard on me, b/c im tough and can handle it? yeah im not so tough. im broken.

I Wish.

I wish people would see behind the tears. Behind my fake smile. Behind everything!
Remember when i told you i stopped cutting?
yeah. i lied
Remember when i told you i was done with drugs?
i lied again.
AND DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU ASKED HOW I LOST WEIGHT?
AND I TOLD YOU THAT IVE BEEN RUNNING?

well... you didn't catch that lie, didja?
Ive been making myself throw up.

i just wish people would care enough to LOOK beyond everything.

I Need A Reason

My Best Friends name?
Music.
and then, LAUREN(:

Because people always find a way to break my heart. and i dont trust anyone anymore.
i dont do drugs for fun, i do them to forget. and it works , when i wake up, i remember none of my problems.
People change too much, too fast.

heartbreak.

i may not be as skinny as the other girls,
or as pretty as them
but i'll give you something they never will.
i will love you will all my heart , unconditional real love

"it's a tragedy thats so sad to see"

& Don"t worry, because you can never hate me as much as i hate myself...

Yeah, i cut myself, smoke, drink, pop pills, do pot, and attmepted suicide.
but im scared of death.

yeah ive been abused by my parents, physically and emotinally
but when the doctor tole me if i make it to 30, im lucky
i cried. is that normal?

i have to find a hiding place inside my own skin. and it scares me.
i cant be myself. not even when im alone.
because im ashamed of myself.

would it matter at all?

Its so hard for me too open up, i mean when i try i feel like people wont care. 
so i act hard, like i dont care. but inside. im breaking & i dont know no how much longer i can stand it.
i wanted to talk to you, for the firdt time, i came up to you to talk and you blew me off.
i thought we were best friends?
you were my accountibility partner.
it dosnt matter anymore, i dont matter anymore.


"if i wasn't here tomorrow 
Would anybody care
If my time was up I wanna know
You were happy I was there
If I wasn't here tomorrow 
Would anyone lose sleep
If I wasn't hard and hollow

then maybe you would miss me"

Tonight

Tonight was a horrible end to a great day. after everything we did together, my mom had to ruin it.
you couldn't even look, because it hurt so much you so much.

to tell you the truth, everytime i think of killing myself, i think of you.
i know im gonna miss our walks
and jack in the box with you.
and everything we do.

No matter how much i hate myself and my life, i love you way to much to leave you.

i love you Lauren<3
you are my best friend.

I Want To Be Beautiful Too.

i though i could be strong, but its killing me,
does anyone hear my cry?

My Testimony.

my parents fought all the time, non stop,, and i didnt know what to do, i wasnt close to my parents, so i didnt even care, much, my dad abused me, mentally and physiclly for almost all my life. and i didnt know what to do. my mom knew and i was scared to tell ... well anyone? so i cut myself. starting in 2nd or 3rd grade, adn i hid all my pain, until 6th grade. i just didnt care anymore. i slit my arm, i popped 100 pills, i hung myself but nothing worked, i jumped off a highway, nothing. so finally i decided i was going to shoot myself, but i couldnt.
every day i would come home from school and be scared to be hit, or made fun of by my mom dad or brother, so i started smokeing weed. i forgot things, but not enough things so i started drinking to help forget more. and i became the thing, i promise myself i would never do, i broke my own heart and have been for the last few years.



I lost all my sence of respect and care for God, i thought he hated me and that he wanted me to die.

I stopped beliveing people Loved me.



I became a cutter. a addict to weed and drinking. and i became heartbroken.



after about a year of feeling that way, i was walking home from school and some guy... took my innocence away. he raped me.

so i decided that, that was my sign saying

GOD.HATES.YOU.MEJRA!

so i decided that night would be the end

but my brother knew something was up

he didnt let me out of his sight.



when my mom and brother found out i cut, they mocked me , and they hated me, my mom wanted to kick me out. they both stopped talking to me. my dad laughed at me when he walked into my room and saw me cutting. some of my "friends" stopped talking to me

It made me want to kill myself more.


The past few months have been struggles to get over:

Drugs

Cutting

Homosexuality

and

Porn addictions.



I fell in love with God again, it was hard, and sometimes i feel alone, but when i do i know God put people in my life, and that was him saying he did care and he would ALWAYS be there for me



My two best friends, are the people i would have never thought i would be friends with, became my friends.



The day before Project freshman, a close-ish friend killed himself, and i died inside, i told God i needed a sign he cared about me, he didnt give me one, so i cut myself horribley, and wore a jacket through almost all of project freshman(it was like 100 degees or more the whole week) i Asked God to give me a sign he still cared about me, that night the "everything" skit was played, the next morning a heard a Testimony that changed my life.

Lauren and I started talking to each other about talking to the person who gave his testimony, i didnt want to but she did, so i went with her, i ended up, getting his number and pouring my heart out to him.. He broke my heart the right way, and got through to me..

But. i dont belive in God anymore.
my friends and family are right
he's not there.