Confused

After everything that's happened this month...
I'm just happy that's coming to an end...
Maybe a new year will help things.

But im gonna miss Nick so much.
But he does get to spend eternity with God,
Which is way better then Earth.
But im gonna miss his smile, his laugh, our talks.
I'm just excited this year is about to be over.

It' s been a while. Eh?

Sigh, Christmas won't be the same.
I lost some good friends.
Made some shitty ones.
Fell in love.
Got my heart broken.

I want to go home.
back to Bosnia.
Where I won't have to see everyone who broke my heart.
and where i won't have to be reminded constantly of the Monster that I've become.
Who woulda thought that 2010 would bring out someone i never thought i'd become.
High School dosent change you.
It's just that you think that your gonna change, so you make yourself change.
You let boys/girls play with your hear and emotions.
than do something stupid because of them.
When i bet you would forget who they are in a few years.

Life just overall sucks at this point.
i havent smoked in well over 2 weeks.
which is a big thing for me.
i havent even had the urge to smoke.
Alcohol is just a thing that seems like a distant memory.
It seems like... nothing matters.

I had a friend tell me "ohmygosh, i just cried so much"
that's when i realized, i don't CARE enough about ANYTHING to even cry about it.
i mean, i couldnt care any less.
and that scares me.
does that mean that im back to old Mejra?
the Mejra i HATED!?
i hope not :/

Then one of my friends die?
right when im REALLY trying to be a better person?
What are you DOING TO ME GOD!?

Well, i know this was all over the place, just wanted to get all my feelings out.