When She Cries.

So my life today was Different? I had my best friend sleep over, for the first time in six years, i lost my 20 day streak, i got in a fight with the loves of my life
But in the end none of it matters. because i lost my way with God. It really sucks. but it's the decision that changed my lifee. one of the poems that "helped" me back to cutting and away from Christ is called

                                                                          "A Girl"

there once was a girl who always wore dark clothes, she was hurt she was broken, her begining included many blows, and to add to her pain, she cut her wrist. Some thought she was insane but it was just to her sweet bliss. She was always misunderstood. no one ever tried to be her friend. it wasnt as if she wanted to, she could for her heart was too far to mend. Her parents didnt know what to do, they were NO use, and it didnt help that her childhood involved much abuse. to her life was without life, nothing ever seemed to end up well. but one thing she could not fight, her blade became addicting and her arm began to swell.
So her cuts got deeper, her blood ran dark until at last to ease her pain, she drove the knife through her battered and bruised heart"

but something amazing that i learned after?
"But don't you know who you are,

What's been done for you? 

Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made, 

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade."

- you are more

tenth avenue north.

That song really got me through it. i gotta say im heartbroken, but im really trying.

"She's pulling down her long sleeves
To cover all the memories that scars leave
She says, "Maybe making me bleed,
will be the answer that could wash the slate clean."

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She wonders why,
Does anyone ever hear her when she cries?
That song is me to the bone.

I'm Not Worth It:/

After today, i FINALLY realized how hard it is to stop cutting.
i find myself PATHETIC for thinking im strong. i cant even stop this little thing?
but i claim to be strong. i have been cut-free 20 days now
and now, its ALL over! i KNOW im gonna mess up. i feel like i shouldn't even try anymore
i mean is it REALLY worth it?
beliveing in a God who may or may not be there?
Having all my old "friends HATE me, because im a Christian, because i stopped drugs and cutting?"
i mean do i even DESERVE to have love from such an amazing being?

I feel as if im not worth it, im not worth love.

You Are The Only Exeption

Haha, insiders with my best friend, LAUREN FOULKS:D


she is just Amazing , Beautiful and i trust her with my life, if i EVER lost her, i would die, she is the only person i have let in so much like i did with her. ME and her ARE starting our life over, We finally decided to let Jesus in! and it is the most amazing step i have ever taken, i am SO happy im taking this step with my best friend. Every time we get into fights, my heart dies alittle, but when we make up? i am twice as happy as i was before the fight. I love hanging out with her, im probably more hyper then ever. I swore i wouldn't let people get close too me , after i lost my best friend in 6th grade. I did, and it's scary, especially when she says stuff like "I just want to shoot myself"
that scares me so much, weather or not she's joking. i couldn't survive without her.
I never wanted to risk my heart,well the torn up, heart i did have, until i met her. She was worth it i know that the day i met her 02.10.10.
"baby be good to me" that's how i feel(:
and now i know that, that line is true.




"It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothings right. When I was younger crying always seemed to be the answer, Now crying seems to be the only option."- this is me and Lauren to the bone(:


Some of our Random convo's

bwhahaha NO LAUREN HE IS GAY!- mejra

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM he is not- Lauren

SHUT THE FUCK UP, I KNOW HIM BETTER, HE IS-MEJRA

i dont give a shit , suck my banana dick-Lauren

mmm banana's- mejra

i have nothing else to say to you- Lauren(:


Mejra, Rice makes me horny!- Lauren 

You Never Let Go

Okay(:

So i DID used to hate God, yes i REALLY did, no bullshit, i was a satanist.

Kaelen, showed me the most amazing song "you never let go"

The lyrics that touched me the most were

"Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on"

I cried my eyes out, 

i am a silent crier and after hearing this, my brother had to come out of his room to come ask me what was wrong, he was 3 rooms away.

That made me realize that GOD is there, no matter what, he IS there.

i legitimately am IN love with God now(:

i know that with him, i will always be strong and have someone to lean on, even when people desert me , he WILL be there:)

 

Take A STAND

So today all i could think about is cutting myself. weird huh? it's been 19 days since i last cut and that's all i have been thinking about, not necessarily cutting myself, but sometimes it's also how much better off i am, how much Ive improved . i LOVE that i can look at my wrists and not see blood red marks dripping down.
IT is so much easier then hiding my hand all the time, having to lie and wear jackets.
I mean the whole reason i even started was my parents,i started in 2nd grade, but now it's even harder to deal with them, but with God's help, i have learned to deal and not talk back, I've learned that cutting and drugs get me NO where, i actually feel way happier(:

Lauren, my babe/bestie, helped me stop cutting she also is helping me keep control with everything, she is BEYOND AMAZING<3
my best friend Jordan saved my life, he convinced me to take a stand and STOP, he made me realize God does care, he helped me break out of a shell and helped me show the world who i REALLY am(:

I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH<3