My Testimony.

my parents fought all the time, non stop,, and i didnt know what to do, i wasnt close to my parents, so i didnt even care, much, my dad abused me, mentally and physiclly for almost all my life. and i didnt know what to do. my mom knew and i was scared to tell ... well anyone? so i cut myself. starting in 2nd or 3rd grade, adn i hid all my pain, until 6th grade. i just didnt care anymore. i slit my arm, i popped 100 pills, i hung myself but nothing worked, i jumped off a highway, nothing. so finally i decided i was going to shoot myself, but i couldnt.
every day i would come home from school and be scared to be hit, or made fun of by my mom dad or brother, so i started smokeing weed. i forgot things, but not enough things so i started drinking to help forget more. and i became the thing, i promise myself i would never do, i broke my own heart and have been for the last few years.



I lost all my sence of respect and care for God, i thought he hated me and that he wanted me to die.

I stopped beliveing people Loved me.



I became a cutter. a addict to weed and drinking. and i became heartbroken.



after about a year of feeling that way, i was walking home from school and some guy... took my innocence away. he raped me.

so i decided that, that was my sign saying

GOD.HATES.YOU.MEJRA!

so i decided that night would be the end

but my brother knew something was up

he didnt let me out of his sight.



when my mom and brother found out i cut, they mocked me , and they hated me, my mom wanted to kick me out. they both stopped talking to me. my dad laughed at me when he walked into my room and saw me cutting. some of my "friends" stopped talking to me

It made me want to kill myself more.


The past few months have been struggles to get over:

Drugs

Cutting

Homosexuality

and

Porn addictions.



I fell in love with God again, it was hard, and sometimes i feel alone, but when i do i know God put people in my life, and that was him saying he did care and he would ALWAYS be there for me



My two best friends, are the people i would have never thought i would be friends with, became my friends.



The day before Project freshman, a close-ish friend killed himself, and i died inside, i told God i needed a sign he cared about me, he didnt give me one, so i cut myself horribley, and wore a jacket through almost all of project freshman(it was like 100 degees or more the whole week) i Asked God to give me a sign he still cared about me, that night the "everything" skit was played, the next morning a heard a Testimony that changed my life.

Lauren and I started talking to each other about talking to the person who gave his testimony, i didnt want to but she did, so i went with her, i ended up, getting his number and pouring my heart out to him.. He broke my heart the right way, and got through to me..

But. i dont belive in God anymore.
my friends and family are right
he's not there.

&& Babe, I'm Your Biggest Fan♥

You can't break a broken heart!

heartbreak is lying on the bathroom floor, trying your damn hardest to breathe while at the same time wondering why it all went wrong and how you're gonna get up and pretend like everything is okay, and what the hell you're gonna do about the whole in your chest.

"you broke my heart, but i still love you."
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yeah i'm pretty sure everyone has had their heart broken, if not, you will one day. dont worry.

But has you heart been so broken to the extent that you can feel a fucked up heart beat?
have you had a hard time breathing because you miss that person so much?
Have you broken your own heart? by hurting the people you love the most?

Have you had such a hard time keeping your self together? so hard that you didnt talk to people for a while, because you couldnt hide the pain?
I mean people actually KILL THEMSELFS over this crap, and you think making a stupid rude comment to make people laugh is alright?  what of you made a comment like "you look like a whale" and the next day that person was dead? they hung themself in their bedroom? and it was all your fault, its like commiting murder. i mean it has happend, people kill themselfs over heartbreak.

YOUR BESTFRIEND COULD KILL THEMSELFS TOMMORROW, becasue you got into a fight today, and said stuff you should'nt have.
i know i've been there.
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BUT SCREAM YOUR  FUCKING HEART OUT!
live with the pain
because you never know what tommorrow may bring.
i want self esteem; not self pity(:

You Always Have A Reason To Smile♥

I never thought i was loved.

i mean, my parents tell me they hate me,

my brother tells me he hates me

people tell me they hate me.

So why in the world would i believe someone could love me,

why should i believe Lauren or Kaelen, or Tiffany or Jessica or Lilly or Bella or or Sarah or Jordan loves me?

Why should i believe GOD loves me?

it took me a long, and i mean LONG time to finally realize people love me, because, i'm actually a pretty cool person, im not a stupid emo bitch like my brother says, im not a stupid whore like my dad says and im not a waste of life, as my mom says, but im actually a pretty cool person.

God loves me because he created me and sent his son to DIE for me, and everyone else, 

Alot of people love me and care about me

and that makes me smile(:

UGH.

I spent almost a whole week at my best friends house, and it was one of the best and worst weeks of my life. I got to leave the place i hated so much, to be with the girl i love so much.
But all through out the week, she got into a fight with her boyfriend, saying "fuck him, he's a bitch"
but then turn around and said she loves him,i hated that all she did was talk about him, "hey Mason wants to come over" and "hey Mason is at southwest" and "ugh, i wish i didnt come to church, so i could see Mason"

i mean I came over, you could at least shut the fuck up about Mason for a little while, and even when i started crying, you walked away to call MASON! of course.
i mean i love her with all my heart but..... i dont even know. UGH!

Now, If Only I Could Tell Him How I REALLY Feel♥

So me and my best friend made up. at first i didn't want him back in, i pushed him out, i deleted him and almost blocked his number, but something inside me knew i would regret it in the morning, so after a long talk, starting at Summer Studies, where i completely was rude to him, then to yogolait where i couldn't face him alone, i had to use my blade before i could talk to him, so with bloody wrists i talked to him, not really anything important, it was more like starting over. then we texted, i told him about the blades and how i cut before i talked to him, how he scares me, and how i needed him to yell at me, or call me a bad name, but he wouldn't , i told him not to lie to me and tell me how he really feels. he told me " hurt me all you want, and that he loves me unconditionally and nothing would change that" even after that i ignore him and bitched at him, but i finally came to my senses, i know i cant live without talking to him, i told him to stop texting me but after like 5 or 10 minutes, i needed him to text me. i cant lie to him and it only hurts him when i tell him the truth. but if i lie to him, i will never forgive myself, i told myself i wouldn't forgive him, but i did, he broke me, in a good way(:

But i finally understood how HE feels when i cut, how he hurts, and that makes me want to change even more.

"if HE brings you to it, HE'LL bring you through it<3"

ha, now i just need to tell him the FULL truth.
LORD know's that's never gonna happen.

Best Friend♥

SO i lost my best friend today. or at least it feels like i did.i dont know what im gonna do without him
he told me he lost his trust in me and he wont have my back anymore.

you said i need to gain your trust back, and i need to figure out how to do it, its impossible, i dont know what to do. i cried my eyes out, i cussed, i broke. i let you in too deep, and it broke me. YOU BROKE ME. it hurts that  you think i dont care about you, when the truth is, i care about you more than anyone, ANYONE!
i also trust you more than anyone even Lauren sometimes;/ not anymore though and you ditching me, broke my heart, even when you fix it, its still going to be scarred.

you said im self-centered, because i cant stop cutting, because all i think about is hurting myself. well i get it, it hurts you too, i know its hard for you, but it makes it even harder for me to stop without you.
you've been my reason before dont be it again!

i CANT wait "a while" for your trust, because i cant trust you , without you trusting me :/