Confused

After everything that's happened this month...
I'm just happy that's coming to an end...
Maybe a new year will help things.

But im gonna miss Nick so much.
But he does get to spend eternity with God,
Which is way better then Earth.
But im gonna miss his smile, his laugh, our talks.
I'm just excited this year is about to be over.

It' s been a while. Eh?

Sigh, Christmas won't be the same.
I lost some good friends.
Made some shitty ones.
Fell in love.
Got my heart broken.

I want to go home.
back to Bosnia.
Where I won't have to see everyone who broke my heart.
and where i won't have to be reminded constantly of the Monster that I've become.
Who woulda thought that 2010 would bring out someone i never thought i'd become.
High School dosent change you.
It's just that you think that your gonna change, so you make yourself change.
You let boys/girls play with your hear and emotions.
than do something stupid because of them.
When i bet you would forget who they are in a few years.

Life just overall sucks at this point.
i havent smoked in well over 2 weeks.
which is a big thing for me.
i havent even had the urge to smoke.
Alcohol is just a thing that seems like a distant memory.
It seems like... nothing matters.

I had a friend tell me "ohmygosh, i just cried so much"
that's when i realized, i don't CARE enough about ANYTHING to even cry about it.
i mean, i couldnt care any less.
and that scares me.
does that mean that im back to old Mejra?
the Mejra i HATED!?
i hope not :/

Then one of my friends die?
right when im REALLY trying to be a better person?
What are you DOING TO ME GOD!?

Well, i know this was all over the place, just wanted to get all my feelings out.

That Should Be Me.

Your supposed to be one of my best friends? My cousin? I've known you for 14 years now, but you continue to mess with my emotions. You grabbed my phone and took my bestest friend number and started talking to him, then turned him against me. Then you took the guys number who i am falling for number? And you started SEXTING him right in front of me? I don;t understand? you KNOW i love him, but you want to break my heart? I've been a great friend to you, right? I mean, I've tried my best. I just want to know why?

Then did you really have to text him off my phone telling him how i feel about him? You just ruined mine and his friendship, he hasn't texted me since that night. I'm confused, i really am, Clear this up for me? Please.

Am I Just Talking To Myself?

Why do i feel so alone? I have so many "friends" who "care" about me, but i feel so alone.
I'm lying to myself, im crying out for help, i just dont seem to be able to help myself.
I feel so fake, i hate everything I've become.
I've lost the people i care most for.
I have this thing against people, i cant seem to trust them
because every single person I've trusted stabbed me in the back,
i dont even trust people when they say something like
"oh sorry, i fell asleep" i think "oh, this person just doesn't want to talk to me"
But i keep getting my heart broken,
yeah it might be your lie, but its my heart and feelings on the line.
and when you judge me, it doesn't help.

Perfect.

I cant be perfect. i cant make everyone happy., being myself is so hard.
i just want to give up, but people think im so strong...
see im trying to please people again.
I lost my faith. i lost my hope.

im just not MEJRA anymore. i pretend to be happy and NO ONE sees through it, but one person and i just push her away more and more
Even im ashamed of myself. hearing my dad and mom cal me , "fat, ugly, a whore" and other things everyday, make me start to believe it, and when they act like they love me and then break my heart again, it makes me believe in love less and less. i just dont know what to turn too, b/c i always seem to get let down, or let someone down.

im sorry i cant be perfect.

Why?

Why can people ever mind there own business? i mean if you dont know the truth dont make things up.
i live the way i want too, dont intrude. i get tired of people making things up, if you really knew me, youd know none of those rumors are EVEN CLOSE TO BEING TRUE. so DONT tell my brother you KNOW its true. and why cant you understand that im human and i cant always do whats right. im gonna screw up
and you making fun of me, wont help. calling me fremo(freak and emo put together), breaking my heart and THINKING YOU KNOW WHATS BEST ME, ISN'T HELPING.
being extra hard on me, b/c im tough and can handle it? yeah im not so tough. im broken.

I Wish.

I wish people would see behind the tears. Behind my fake smile. Behind everything!
Remember when i told you i stopped cutting?
yeah. i lied
Remember when i told you i was done with drugs?
i lied again.
AND DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU ASKED HOW I LOST WEIGHT?
AND I TOLD YOU THAT IVE BEEN RUNNING?

well... you didn't catch that lie, didja?
Ive been making myself throw up.

i just wish people would care enough to LOOK beyond everything.

I Need A Reason

My Best Friends name?
Music.
and then, LAUREN(:

Because people always find a way to break my heart. and i dont trust anyone anymore.
i dont do drugs for fun, i do them to forget. and it works , when i wake up, i remember none of my problems.
People change too much, too fast.

heartbreak.

i may not be as skinny as the other girls,
or as pretty as them
but i'll give you something they never will.
i will love you will all my heart , unconditional real love

"it's a tragedy thats so sad to see"

& Don"t worry, because you can never hate me as much as i hate myself...

Yeah, i cut myself, smoke, drink, pop pills, do pot, and attmepted suicide.
but im scared of death.

yeah ive been abused by my parents, physically and emotinally
but when the doctor tole me if i make it to 30, im lucky
i cried. is that normal?

i have to find a hiding place inside my own skin. and it scares me.
i cant be myself. not even when im alone.
because im ashamed of myself.

would it matter at all?

Its so hard for me too open up, i mean when i try i feel like people wont care. 
so i act hard, like i dont care. but inside. im breaking & i dont know no how much longer i can stand it.
i wanted to talk to you, for the firdt time, i came up to you to talk and you blew me off.
i thought we were best friends?
you were my accountibility partner.
it dosnt matter anymore, i dont matter anymore.


"if i wasn't here tomorrow 
Would anybody care
If my time was up I wanna know
You were happy I was there
If I wasn't here tomorrow 
Would anyone lose sleep
If I wasn't hard and hollow

then maybe you would miss me"

Tonight

Tonight was a horrible end to a great day. after everything we did together, my mom had to ruin it.
you couldn't even look, because it hurt so much you so much.

to tell you the truth, everytime i think of killing myself, i think of you.
i know im gonna miss our walks
and jack in the box with you.
and everything we do.

No matter how much i hate myself and my life, i love you way to much to leave you.

i love you Lauren<3
you are my best friend.

I Want To Be Beautiful Too.

i though i could be strong, but its killing me,
does anyone hear my cry?

My Testimony.

my parents fought all the time, non stop,, and i didnt know what to do, i wasnt close to my parents, so i didnt even care, much, my dad abused me, mentally and physiclly for almost all my life. and i didnt know what to do. my mom knew and i was scared to tell ... well anyone? so i cut myself. starting in 2nd or 3rd grade, adn i hid all my pain, until 6th grade. i just didnt care anymore. i slit my arm, i popped 100 pills, i hung myself but nothing worked, i jumped off a highway, nothing. so finally i decided i was going to shoot myself, but i couldnt.
every day i would come home from school and be scared to be hit, or made fun of by my mom dad or brother, so i started smokeing weed. i forgot things, but not enough things so i started drinking to help forget more. and i became the thing, i promise myself i would never do, i broke my own heart and have been for the last few years.



I lost all my sence of respect and care for God, i thought he hated me and that he wanted me to die.

I stopped beliveing people Loved me.



I became a cutter. a addict to weed and drinking. and i became heartbroken.



after about a year of feeling that way, i was walking home from school and some guy... took my innocence away. he raped me.

so i decided that, that was my sign saying

GOD.HATES.YOU.MEJRA!

so i decided that night would be the end

but my brother knew something was up

he didnt let me out of his sight.



when my mom and brother found out i cut, they mocked me , and they hated me, my mom wanted to kick me out. they both stopped talking to me. my dad laughed at me when he walked into my room and saw me cutting. some of my "friends" stopped talking to me

It made me want to kill myself more.


The past few months have been struggles to get over:

Drugs

Cutting

Homosexuality

and

Porn addictions.



I fell in love with God again, it was hard, and sometimes i feel alone, but when i do i know God put people in my life, and that was him saying he did care and he would ALWAYS be there for me



My two best friends, are the people i would have never thought i would be friends with, became my friends.



The day before Project freshman, a close-ish friend killed himself, and i died inside, i told God i needed a sign he cared about me, he didnt give me one, so i cut myself horribley, and wore a jacket through almost all of project freshman(it was like 100 degees or more the whole week) i Asked God to give me a sign he still cared about me, that night the "everything" skit was played, the next morning a heard a Testimony that changed my life.

Lauren and I started talking to each other about talking to the person who gave his testimony, i didnt want to but she did, so i went with her, i ended up, getting his number and pouring my heart out to him.. He broke my heart the right way, and got through to me..

But. i dont belive in God anymore.
my friends and family are right
he's not there.

&& Babe, I'm Your Biggest Fan♥

You can't break a broken heart!

heartbreak is lying on the bathroom floor, trying your damn hardest to breathe while at the same time wondering why it all went wrong and how you're gonna get up and pretend like everything is okay, and what the hell you're gonna do about the whole in your chest.

"you broke my heart, but i still love you."
------------------------------------

yeah i'm pretty sure everyone has had their heart broken, if not, you will one day. dont worry.

But has you heart been so broken to the extent that you can feel a fucked up heart beat?
have you had a hard time breathing because you miss that person so much?
Have you broken your own heart? by hurting the people you love the most?

Have you had such a hard time keeping your self together? so hard that you didnt talk to people for a while, because you couldnt hide the pain?
I mean people actually KILL THEMSELFS over this crap, and you think making a stupid rude comment to make people laugh is alright?  what of you made a comment like "you look like a whale" and the next day that person was dead? they hung themself in their bedroom? and it was all your fault, its like commiting murder. i mean it has happend, people kill themselfs over heartbreak.

YOUR BESTFRIEND COULD KILL THEMSELFS TOMMORROW, becasue you got into a fight today, and said stuff you should'nt have.
i know i've been there.
-------------------------------------

BUT SCREAM YOUR  FUCKING HEART OUT!
live with the pain
because you never know what tommorrow may bring.
i want self esteem; not self pity(:

You Always Have A Reason To Smile♥

I never thought i was loved.

i mean, my parents tell me they hate me,

my brother tells me he hates me

people tell me they hate me.

So why in the world would i believe someone could love me,

why should i believe Lauren or Kaelen, or Tiffany or Jessica or Lilly or Bella or or Sarah or Jordan loves me?

Why should i believe GOD loves me?

it took me a long, and i mean LONG time to finally realize people love me, because, i'm actually a pretty cool person, im not a stupid emo bitch like my brother says, im not a stupid whore like my dad says and im not a waste of life, as my mom says, but im actually a pretty cool person.

God loves me because he created me and sent his son to DIE for me, and everyone else, 

Alot of people love me and care about me

and that makes me smile(:

UGH.

I spent almost a whole week at my best friends house, and it was one of the best and worst weeks of my life. I got to leave the place i hated so much, to be with the girl i love so much.
But all through out the week, she got into a fight with her boyfriend, saying "fuck him, he's a bitch"
but then turn around and said she loves him,i hated that all she did was talk about him, "hey Mason wants to come over" and "hey Mason is at southwest" and "ugh, i wish i didnt come to church, so i could see Mason"

i mean I came over, you could at least shut the fuck up about Mason for a little while, and even when i started crying, you walked away to call MASON! of course.
i mean i love her with all my heart but..... i dont even know. UGH!

Now, If Only I Could Tell Him How I REALLY Feel♥

So me and my best friend made up. at first i didn't want him back in, i pushed him out, i deleted him and almost blocked his number, but something inside me knew i would regret it in the morning, so after a long talk, starting at Summer Studies, where i completely was rude to him, then to yogolait where i couldn't face him alone, i had to use my blade before i could talk to him, so with bloody wrists i talked to him, not really anything important, it was more like starting over. then we texted, i told him about the blades and how i cut before i talked to him, how he scares me, and how i needed him to yell at me, or call me a bad name, but he wouldn't , i told him not to lie to me and tell me how he really feels. he told me " hurt me all you want, and that he loves me unconditionally and nothing would change that" even after that i ignore him and bitched at him, but i finally came to my senses, i know i cant live without talking to him, i told him to stop texting me but after like 5 or 10 minutes, i needed him to text me. i cant lie to him and it only hurts him when i tell him the truth. but if i lie to him, i will never forgive myself, i told myself i wouldn't forgive him, but i did, he broke me, in a good way(:

But i finally understood how HE feels when i cut, how he hurts, and that makes me want to change even more.

"if HE brings you to it, HE'LL bring you through it<3"

ha, now i just need to tell him the FULL truth.
LORD know's that's never gonna happen.

Best Friend♥

SO i lost my best friend today. or at least it feels like i did.i dont know what im gonna do without him
he told me he lost his trust in me and he wont have my back anymore.

you said i need to gain your trust back, and i need to figure out how to do it, its impossible, i dont know what to do. i cried my eyes out, i cussed, i broke. i let you in too deep, and it broke me. YOU BROKE ME. it hurts that  you think i dont care about you, when the truth is, i care about you more than anyone, ANYONE!
i also trust you more than anyone even Lauren sometimes;/ not anymore though and you ditching me, broke my heart, even when you fix it, its still going to be scarred.

you said im self-centered, because i cant stop cutting, because all i think about is hurting myself. well i get it, it hurts you too, i know its hard for you, but it makes it even harder for me to stop without you.
you've been my reason before dont be it again!

i CANT wait "a while" for your trust, because i cant trust you , without you trusting me :/

When She Cries.

So my life today was Different? I had my best friend sleep over, for the first time in six years, i lost my 20 day streak, i got in a fight with the loves of my life
But in the end none of it matters. because i lost my way with God. It really sucks. but it's the decision that changed my lifee. one of the poems that "helped" me back to cutting and away from Christ is called

                                                                          "A Girl"

there once was a girl who always wore dark clothes, she was hurt she was broken, her begining included many blows, and to add to her pain, she cut her wrist. Some thought she was insane but it was just to her sweet bliss. She was always misunderstood. no one ever tried to be her friend. it wasnt as if she wanted to, she could for her heart was too far to mend. Her parents didnt know what to do, they were NO use, and it didnt help that her childhood involved much abuse. to her life was without life, nothing ever seemed to end up well. but one thing she could not fight, her blade became addicting and her arm began to swell.
So her cuts got deeper, her blood ran dark until at last to ease her pain, she drove the knife through her battered and bruised heart"

but something amazing that i learned after?
"But don't you know who you are,

What's been done for you? 

Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made, 

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade."

- you are more

tenth avenue north.

That song really got me through it. i gotta say im heartbroken, but im really trying.

"She's pulling down her long sleeves
To cover all the memories that scars leave
She says, "Maybe making me bleed,
will be the answer that could wash the slate clean."

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She wonders why,
Does anyone ever hear her when she cries?
That song is me to the bone.

I'm Not Worth It:/

After today, i FINALLY realized how hard it is to stop cutting.
i find myself PATHETIC for thinking im strong. i cant even stop this little thing?
but i claim to be strong. i have been cut-free 20 days now
and now, its ALL over! i KNOW im gonna mess up. i feel like i shouldn't even try anymore
i mean is it REALLY worth it?
beliveing in a God who may or may not be there?
Having all my old "friends HATE me, because im a Christian, because i stopped drugs and cutting?"
i mean do i even DESERVE to have love from such an amazing being?

I feel as if im not worth it, im not worth love.

You Are The Only Exeption

Haha, insiders with my best friend, LAUREN FOULKS:D


she is just Amazing , Beautiful and i trust her with my life, if i EVER lost her, i would die, she is the only person i have let in so much like i did with her. ME and her ARE starting our life over, We finally decided to let Jesus in! and it is the most amazing step i have ever taken, i am SO happy im taking this step with my best friend. Every time we get into fights, my heart dies alittle, but when we make up? i am twice as happy as i was before the fight. I love hanging out with her, im probably more hyper then ever. I swore i wouldn't let people get close too me , after i lost my best friend in 6th grade. I did, and it's scary, especially when she says stuff like "I just want to shoot myself"
that scares me so much, weather or not she's joking. i couldn't survive without her.
I never wanted to risk my heart,well the torn up, heart i did have, until i met her. She was worth it i know that the day i met her 02.10.10.
"baby be good to me" that's how i feel(:
and now i know that, that line is true.




"It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothings right. When I was younger crying always seemed to be the answer, Now crying seems to be the only option."- this is me and Lauren to the bone(:


Some of our Random convo's

bwhahaha NO LAUREN HE IS GAY!- mejra

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM he is not- Lauren

SHUT THE FUCK UP, I KNOW HIM BETTER, HE IS-MEJRA

i dont give a shit , suck my banana dick-Lauren

mmm banana's- mejra

i have nothing else to say to you- Lauren(:


Mejra, Rice makes me horny!- Lauren 

You Never Let Go

Okay(:

So i DID used to hate God, yes i REALLY did, no bullshit, i was a satanist.

Kaelen, showed me the most amazing song "you never let go"

The lyrics that touched me the most were

"Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on"

I cried my eyes out, 

i am a silent crier and after hearing this, my brother had to come out of his room to come ask me what was wrong, he was 3 rooms away.

That made me realize that GOD is there, no matter what, he IS there.

i legitimately am IN love with God now(:

i know that with him, i will always be strong and have someone to lean on, even when people desert me , he WILL be there:)

 

Take A STAND

So today all i could think about is cutting myself. weird huh? it's been 19 days since i last cut and that's all i have been thinking about, not necessarily cutting myself, but sometimes it's also how much better off i am, how much Ive improved . i LOVE that i can look at my wrists and not see blood red marks dripping down.
IT is so much easier then hiding my hand all the time, having to lie and wear jackets.
I mean the whole reason i even started was my parents,i started in 2nd grade, but now it's even harder to deal with them, but with God's help, i have learned to deal and not talk back, I've learned that cutting and drugs get me NO where, i actually feel way happier(:

Lauren, my babe/bestie, helped me stop cutting she also is helping me keep control with everything, she is BEYOND AMAZING<3
my best friend Jordan saved my life, he convinced me to take a stand and STOP, he made me realize God does care, he helped me break out of a shell and helped me show the world who i REALLY am(:

I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH<3